Ted Cruz Says Polar Vortex Striking Texas Holds No Responsibility For Power Outages
HOUSTON, TX — GOP Senator from Texas Ted Cruz has publicly confirmed that the unprecedented polar vortex striking the state is not responsible for recent power outages, citing liberal propaganda as the primary source of false reporting.
“The liberal media is a super spreader of falsified information,” Cruz said in a President’s Day press conference. “Let me be clear: the insurrection of snowflakes falling in Houston has nothing to do with the weather.”
When pressed as to what other factor could possibly be responsible for the frigid invasion, Cruz scrambled for answers.
“Listen — just because the adverse conditions caused my wife to slip and fall doesn’t mean that I’m willing to accept any semblance of fact,” he noted. “I have the utmost confidence that sunshine will return to the state of Texas very soon. In fact, my lawyers guarantee it.”
While anti-maskers across the state of Texas slip and slide on their way to the grocery store, it would appear that Cruz will remain vehemently alleged to the slippery slopes, no matter the consequences.
“Ted Cruz is quite literally seeking to murder every Texan,” U.S Respresentative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortex (AOC) told Sleeping Sardines in an exlcusive interview. “And if I bark about it enough, my Twitter clout is going to rise even further — which is all that really matters.”
And Teddy, if you’re reading this, we know you have a taste for satire — and we’d really appreciate a share. We hope you and your ugly wife had an exquisite Valentine’s Day, and we can’t wait to be celebrating YOU on President’s Day come 2025!