Sleeping Sardines

REPORT: Grindr Usage Rates to Skyrocket Amidst Vaccinations

Authored by:

Tushy the Gender Fluid Homo Habilis

 

THE CLOSET — With the number of Americans receiving the Covid-19 vaccination reaching over 10%, usage rates for the popular gay matchmaking app Grindr are expected to rise dramatically. 

Usage rates aren’t the only thing on the rise this spring — dicks everywhere are peeking out of their underwear holes after a long pandemic slumber, eager for a chance to thrust into a random hole once again. 

“It’s been a long, dry year,” said Gavin Brady (23, Discrete, Vers Top). “I have to say, there is truly no better feeling than changing my name back to ‘Looking 👀’.” 

Although hookups between younger people might not be fully reintroduced until the widespread vaccination expected in April, Grindr users over the age of 65 say it’s finally their chance to shine. 

“People have never been so attracted to flab,” seventy-one year old Gary Smith (Host, Bottom) told Sleeping Sardines after we tapped his profile. “I can finally send NSFW pics of my sweaty jockstrap without shame. I will not let this moment go wasted.” 


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While things are finally looking up for queer culture, Doctor Anthony Fauci has specifically addressed the gay community with a word of caution: 

“If you do choose to hook up, please continue to wear a mask,” Fauci said. “We know that most of you homosexuals aren’t into kissing anyways!” 

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