Sleeping Sardines

Local Apple Stunned to Discover Itself as Impromptu Bong

Authored by:

Lola the Hamster


DENVER, CO — A locally sourced granny smith apple was stunned to discover itself as an impromptu bong after a group of local teenagers hollowed out its innards following eighth period on Wednesday afternoon.

The apple, who was confined to an extremely affluent orchard throughout its growth stages, said that it hadn’t the slightest conception of its bodies ability to be repurposed as marijuana paraphernalia. 

“I always thought that I would end up in a Whole Foods, chosen ripe by a millennial thirty-something with a reusable tote,” the apple told Sleeping Sardines in an exclusive interview with Lola the Hamster. “To find myself in a Sam’s Club mobbed by a hoard of delinquent teens was deeply traumatic.” 

When pressed as to why the teens resorted to an apple for cannabis consumption, sophomore pole-vault star Hugin Hale cited desperation. 

“Jimmy forgot that he hid the pipe behind his rear tire and backed over it before school today,” Hale explained. “And my older brother, who is a senior, wouldn’t go to the head shop for us to buy a new one. He’s such a friggin’ square!” 

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While the apple worked exquisitely to impart highness onto the group of teens, the granny smith couldn’t help but wish that it had served a more noble purpose. 

“I was so juicy,” the apple said. “So many nutrients. But it is what it is. If those kids would rather have OG Kush than their health, then I can’t help them!” 

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