Sleeping Sardines

Local Couple Agrees to Take Communication Break Until Mercury Departs Retrograde

Authored by:

Tushy the Gender Fluid Homo Habilis


DENVER, CO — A local couple has agreed to totally cease communications with one another until Mercury officially departs from retrograde on Sunday, citing consistent misunderstandings as the primary concern. 

For astrologers, Mercury is known as the planet to rule expression and communication among us language-based mortals here on earth. And with the planet making its pass through retrograde from Jan 30 – Feb 21, Jackie Smith and Brandon Walters say that common sense has been thrown out the window. 

“It’s like Brandon hasn’t been hearing me over the past three weeks,” Smith explained to Sleeping Sardines. “I tell him that he needs to go to bat for me more often, and he ends up scouring a cave for flying rodents. I tell him that we’re not on the same plane, and he ends up in a desolate field in the midwest. It’s perturbing, to say the least.” 

While the couple is happy to exclusively attribute their relationship issues to the dreaded astrological phenomenon, Mercury itself believes that their struggles are a symptom of a much larger problem.

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“What humans have to understand is that I’m not actually moving backwards — it’s just an optical illusion,” the planet said in an exclusive interview. “It’s hard — you know — being the planet that is blamed for everyone’s problems. Maybe the couple should pay less attention to my orbit, and more to their crippling codependency!” 

Although no one can know for certain if Mercury is actually to blame for Smith and Walters’ expression mishaps, they both agree that it’s best to take a break. 

“I’ve needed my brakes fixed for weeks!” Walters said. “So this works out pretty well for me.” 

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