Local Teen Outs Himself as Gay Following Wisdom Teeth Surgery
DENVER, CO — Local teenager Harrison Blake reportedly outed himself as gay on Friday following his wisdom teeth surgery after the anesthetic usurped his ability to deny his attraction to men.
Blake, who had witnessed countless friends utterly plastered on their Instagram stories following their own respective wisdom teeth operations, said that he had been aware of the risks. Still — he chose to trust the power of his subconscious — a brave attempt that barely fell short.
“I would have gotten away with it,” Blake said in an exclusive, groggy interview with Sleeping Sardines. “But my mom bought me a smoothie on the ride home and the straw — it was just so phallic.”
Mrs. Blake went on to note that her son wished for post-basketball-game-sweaty-dick flavor rather than strawberry banana. By the time Harrison had started ranting about how hot Dave Franco is, she was sure: her little boy was coming out!
“I’m just so proud of Harrison for choosing to express who he truly is,” Mrs. Blake said. “Even if it took a little nudge from an extremely powerful opioid. We’re so excited for him to sober up so we can talk further!”
While Blake may certainly be in for a challenging awakening once the painkillers wear off, one thing is for sure: it’s better than bottling up your sexuality until your mid-twenties! Consider yourself ahead of the curve, kid, and welcome to the community!
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Lola the Hamster runs on her wheel almost two hours per day and provides weekly stories about motherhood, travel, and romance for Sleeping Sardines. Learn more about her here.