Sleeping Sardines

Local Toilet Frustrated With Tenant’s Unwillingness to Clean It

Authored by:

Goldwit the Squirrel


DENVER, CO — A local toilet flushed itself in frustration Tuesday after realizing that once again its tenant would not clean it, saying that the yellow mystery-substance caked under the lid has swollen to outrageous proportions. 

The toilet, which resides in Unit 14 of a two-bedroom apartment on the north side, says that he’s never seen a tenant so utterly neglectful. 

“I’ve seen a lot of holes excrete into my vessel,” the toilet said in an exclusive interview with Sleeping Sardines. “But never in my 16 years since installation have I had to suffer through such disgust.” 

The toilet went on to note that guests visiting the apartment consistently hold their breath while using the bathroom — which also presents an overflowing trash can and hairballs in the sink. 

“Listen, it’s one thing if you eat some egregious Mexican food and come home to crack the bowl,” the toilet said. “That’s what I’m here for. But bro — you’re literally twenty-five. It’s time to glove-up and wipe away this sludge.”

Toilet Humor Reimagined:        

The toilet itself isn’t the only bathroom object that’s frustrated. 

“Ultimately, it just reflects poorly on me,” said the toilet brush, which was purchased by the tenant’s mom in 2017. “It’s been four years since I left that Target, and I haven’t been used once. It’s deeply unfulfilling.”

Sleeping Sardines attempted to reach out to the tenant for a comment, but he was too busy getting baked and microwaving leftover french fries.


Goldwit the squirrel is a self-proclaimed clean-freak who covers lifestyle and animal interest stories for Sleeping Sardines. Learn more about him here

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