Goldwit the Squirrel
Goldwit provides weekly stories about lifestyle and animal interest for Sleeping Sardines.
Meet Goldwit the Squirrel, a very special rodent born and raised in a large oak tree in northern Colorado. He left his Home Tree following the 2020 election, finally assured that he could perform his metrosexuality without shame. In his free time, Goldwit likes trying new wines and attending sophisticated social occasions with organisms from all different species and genuses. He aspires to one day retire to northwestern Colorado, where he can let go of the bustling and anxious life of a squirrel.
The backbone of Sleeping Sardines, Goldwit provides lifestyle and animal interest stories that will blow you away. He currently lives alone with a modest storage of nuts for the winter.
DENVER, CO — With unprecedented winter storm Xylia pummeling the city of Denver with snow, a local Dad has taken to the streets of his neighborhood with a shovel to be of service in any way possible.
A local collection of bisexual erasers were confused Monday upon learning the term bisexual erasure.
DENVER, CO — Local Gen Z-er Caitlyn Hillstone simply could not wrap her head around the concept of cable television Friday, saying that the medium for consuming entertainment made “literally no sense.”
DENVER, CO — With sixty-degree temperatures welcoming in the month of March across the front range, a local wasp is chomping at the bit to use its stinger once again.
DENVER, CO — A local toilet flushed itself in frustration Tuesday after realizing that once again its tenant would not clean it, saying that the yellow mystery-substance caked under the lid has swollen to outrageous proportions.
DENVER, CO — Local poet Annalise Gunderson was baffled on Monday to find that her podcast — Thoughts of a Wayward Rhapsodist — had an extremely small listenership.
DENVER, CO — A local goose has expressed desire to become an actor after sourcing inspiration from the Aflac Duck and Limu Emu.
DENVER, CO — Local teenager Harrison Blake reportedly outed himself as gay on Friday following his wisdom teeth surgery after the anesthetic usurped his ability to deny his attraction to men.
NEW YORK, NY — Local chef Vince Schmidt has admitted that he never should have attempted a risotto after being the first contestant Chopped following the appetizer round.
DENVER, CO — With vaccinations being jabbed into flabby arms across Denver, local raver Maggie Sanchez plans to restart her cardio routine in preparation for the 2021 concert season.
TORONTO, CANADA — The music industry is reeling Monday after a member of Drake’s squad leaked the news of the rappers very own Mean Girls inspired Burn Book.
DENVER, CO — A local couple has agreed to totally cease communications with one another until Mercury officially departs from retrograde on Sunday, citing consistent misunderstandings as the primary concern.
DENVER, CO — A locally sourced granny smith apple was stunned to discover itself as an impromptu bong after a group of local teenagers hollowed out its innards following the eighth period on Wednesday afternoon.
THE CLOSET — With the number of Americans receiving the Covid-19 vaccination reaching over 10%, usage rates for the popular gay matchmaking app Grindr are expected to rise dramatically.
Ted Cruz Says Polar Vortex Striking Texas Holds No Responsibility For Power Outages Goldwit the Squirrel HOUSTON, TX — GOP Senator from Texas Ted Cruz has publicly confirmed that the unprecedented polar vortex striking the state is not responsible for recent power outages, citing...
‘Hurricane Laura is a Bitch, But Bella Thorne Is Worse’ Says OnlyFans Community Lola the Hamster As hurricane Laura pummels the state of Louisiana, Twitter users are more concerned with cancelling Bella Thorne after she raised $2 million on OnlyFans in just 48 hours....
Russian Mind Control Leading Suspect For Vernon Jones’ Endorsement of Trump at RNC Tushy the Homo Habilis WASHINGTON D.C— Democratic state representative of Georgia Vernon Jones endorsed Donald J. Trump for president at the Republican National Convention Monday night, leading insiders to suspect that...
Adele Calls Cancel Culture a ‘Bloody Wanker,’ Says Jamaican Bikini Was Dope Goldwit the Squirrel LONDON, ENGLAND— Former pop superstar Adele Adkins was attacked by Cancel Culture for appropriation this week after she posted a picture on Instagram wearing a Jamaican bathing suit with...