Sleeping Sardines


Four outstanding authors contribute to the site on a weekly basis.

We’ve assembled a team of the most dynamic members of the animal kingdom to deliver on your satire craving. Sourced from a variety of kingdoms, phyla, classes, and species, Sleeping Sardines is committed to cultivating an inclusive work environment for our authors.

Meet Goldwit the Squirrel, a very special rodent born and raised in a large oak tree in northern Colorado. He left his Home Tree following the 2020 election, finally assured that he could perform his metrosexuality without shame. In his free time, Goldwit likes trying new wines and attending sophisticated social occasions with organisms from all different species and genuses. He aspires to one day retire to northwestern Colorado, where he can let go of the bustling and anxious life of a squirrel.

The backbone of Sleeping Sardines, Goldwit provides lifestyle and animal interest stories that will blow you away. He currently lives alone with a modest storage of nuts for the winter. Find his stories here.

Meet Lola the Hamster, a full woman who has seen a thing or two in her day. Born on a freight ship in the neutral waters between Key West and Cuba during the Castro regime, Lola has never claimed a true home or country of origin—and that’s the way she likes it. After spending the majority of her teenage years as a poker dealer in high stakes gentleman’s clubs, Lola bore three triplets without knowing she was pregnant. Forced into a quieter life, Lola took up editorial writing and is also working on memoir: La Hamster Diabla.

Lola provides stories about motherhood, travel, and romance for Sleeping Sardines. She currently lives with her three children and runs on her wheel almost two hours per day. Find her stories here.

Meet Darrel the Porcupine, a former DJ with a big attitude. No one is entirely sure whether his name is pronounced ‘Duh-Rell’ or ‘Dare-ull,’ which gives him vital anonymity that is integral to his creative process. Darrel attributes Kanye West as his greatest inspiration, believing that Ye sets the standard for what the music industry should be. This eccentric porcupine is never afraid to say what he believes, even if it means being labeled as a republican porcupine.

Branding himself as a Stephen A. Smith / Charlamagne tha God crossover, Darrel provides stories about sports and music for Sleeping Sardines. Find his stories here.

Meet Tushy the Gender Fluid Homo Habilis, an early human with a passion for pop culture. Tushy was born in a remote and undiscovered forest in Papua New Guinea before deciding to leave her pod and join the homo sapiens. Tushy received their degree in Social Justice Journalism from NYU, where they graduated summa cum laude. A stickler for pronouns, leftist ideals, and alternative milks, this genderless, raceless habilis brings the ultimate woke personality to Sleeping Sardines.

Tushy provides stories about popular culture and dating. Currently in a very messy polyamorous throuple, they are actively dating on Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. Find their stories here.

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